Women, Speak, Shout, Scream

Incredible finger sex.

Wow. I don’t know what to say. I had no idea smell arouses man that much. I put on Bath and Body works lotion, it made him go extremely wild. Wild wild. I think I almost came on the inside. He said vagina is about a finger long, not that deep I guess. My stomach kind of tickles actually. I was so crazy, howling everywhere, like a crazy chipmunk. Then I ate him, I sucked in his balls, both. I was worried that the hairs would get caught in my teeth. Also I tried the side of mouth action I saw Margaret Cho do, she’s pretty awesome. I still couldn’t come on the inside, but I came on the outside. I was a WET CHIMPANZEE!

It’s been a LONG time since I updated.

I feel the need to update though.

Truth is, I have been masturbating recently. It’s been truly phenomenal. I’ll just put it out in the world. 

I am a virgin, have been with my boyfriend for more than a year, it’s tough because sometimes he respects me so much- that he doesn’t do much to please me sexually.

So I have been masturbating, and today, I came and there were fireworks.

I don’t know why I feel constantly lonely.

It’s like this nagging feeling that I try to ignore.

I’m trying really hard to ignore this child, hitting my shins every week 5 minutes.

I have all the friends that I want, yet something is missing, missing.

I have a boyfriend, we see each other at least once/twice a week.

Something is missing.

A sense of belonging?

What am I missing?

I lay like a plank, face to bedding.

I lay there wondering, asking myself “What do I want?”

“I don’t know what I want”.

It’s okay not to know.

Do I feel unloved?

Yes, but every minute, I think about it.

It’s not that I feel unloved, it’s knowing that someone can shower me with attention, but they are not.

Is it their choice not to? Or is that just how they are?

I wonder perhaps I am too needy.

How do I not feel needy? Is pre-occupying myself enough? Will this nagging feeling not go away even if I am alone, unattached? Perhaps that was easier for me, to be single and to know that no one has an obligation to love me.

“So you feel more insecure when you are NOT single”- He asked, stated.

“Yes, no, yes…well”- I said.

“So when you are with someone, you care about pleasing them”- He said.

“Yes, that makes sense…when I’m alone I don’t have to please anyone”- I said.

“Well you know that I am easily pleased, I think we’ve gotten passed that point that you don’t have to do anything to please me. I already like you”- He said.

“Oh I guess, it’s just I feel insecure, vulnerable”

(via lifeofpraise)

Beetles and Skin

Beetles and skin, your eyes, like beetles, flying away

I’m not shy, but your voice seems like a helicopter, loud and booming

Accusing.

In my dreams, I walked over a rail and saw, that I was all alone

And I was scared.

Trembling in fear, the only thing I remember is your arms around me,

Protecting me. It’s hard to be strong, when your staring at a computer and listening to

Drumming.

Many gazes fleeting, fleeting by me, your avoidance hurts like a sharp knife, cutting wrist to wrist.

Many years back, I stopped chasing winds and I need some wine

To wash away your fear and guilt.

But you are like the many, who run, run away

I have learned no longer to trust,

But to drink away this small voice- that I just want to be loved.

I know the more I push, the more you run, the more you run, away away

Far into space, more into the pounding of the music, disappearing, fading into the walls

Where only wallpapers and wall flowers coincide

I can only dance away the pain

So I thrash and flail, I used to be a beggar,

But I am adopted, a princess, how dare you treat royalty like that.

If you were dying, I wouldn’t save you.

With a kiss of death, I will drown you.

The harder you strive, the harder I’ll resist with my iron hand.

My heart is cold as a cooler, ice and beer, drowning you.

Japanese Cherries are falling today, and I can’t open my eyes.

Thank you for giving me the best poems to write. This heart can only react and write the best shit ever. I can only, write and think. I never wanted to be like my dad, but I can’t stop writing. Can’t stop drinking away, like blood gushing out, unceasing. Hurtful.

• • They say it takes one bad apple to ruin the entire batch.
    And even with my “decent” run of men in my life. Well the recent events of one really makes me not want to be in a relationship, till maybe I turn 50.
    Well. Its done. The chapter, was short sweet and horribly bitter.
    
    He’s sleeping with someone else. 
    
    Damn. That felt so weird to type out. I don’t know why I had so much hope. He led me on. Caressed me, cuddled, kissed, and slept with me, shared his dreams with me. And I let him. He is the first one I really liked since my ex. This hurts so much. I know we weren’t officially together. But we sure as hell acted like we were. I mean I just don’t open up physically and emotionally to anyone. Hell to the fucking no. and what did he do??…just slept with some other bitch. 
    
    As I try to articulate what happened, and how I feel, there are so many emotions of anger. Hurt. Anxiety. Betrayal. Bitternesss… just shooting intensely through my veins. I can literally feel my heart go into an unnatural, frantic, pathetic rhythm. And I wish I could stop it. I wish I could.
    
    I tried so hard not to get hurt, and its funny how it is inevitable. I let someone in a little, and it perplexes me the damage that is created.
    How can someone move on to someone else so quickly. Well I know not everyone puts up such a wall like me. Some people are easy. And its funny how tough my skin is, yet at the moment I feel weak and shattered on the inside. 
    I never thought this would happen to me. I mean…im a “good” girl. I have a level head, I put up my guard, for the most part I make rational decisions…yah I might make stupid choices and mistakes. But we are all human. And shit happens.
    
    Yet through the good, the bad, the ugly, I find beauty in other forms. Though I have lost a friend, I see the great magnitude of love, and care from my friends. And damn. I have awesome friends.
    I tell myself to be strong, that there will be better. But this initial fresh wound…ughh….i cant even express…cus I cant even get my thoughts straight. How could he do this. All he kept saying was sorry, you are one of my closes friends, I appreciate you, you’ve done so much for me. …
    You know how much more upset that makes me! That he felt that way and still had sex with someone else while leading me on!!! Pathetic! Disgusting!
    
    Its so silly how emotions and love can effect you on levels that you weren’t even aware of experiencing.
    Ive learned so much on so many different levels. Yes. It is going to be hard for me to trust again. But I dare say I have hope. Only because I know my God.
    Otherwise I could easily have meaningless sex, and play them mother fuckers to get rid of this pain. But, I will wait, and make a life for myself. One where i can support my self not only financially, but emotionally. So if this happens again, I can still stand on my own two feet.
    
    I know I am a strong empowered woman. And no mother fucker will wash or taint that in me.
    
    There is a quote by Randy Pausch: “Experience is what you get, when you didn’t get what you wanted”. 
    
    To women everywhere: 
    Maybe a happy ending doesn’t necessarily mean finding that special someone, but its standing up on your feet, and moving on. Don’t let your past dictate your future.
    Everyday is a new beginning.

I held onto him, the little days I could.

I made up an imaginary scenario, a relationship in my head.

After all the kisses and hugs, rubbing of back, curly hair.

I realized, I was just trying to find stability in something, since my life was such an unstable mess.

Full of subtle and messy chaos, not falling rightly so.

Only when I woke up did I realize, that familiar body is no longer lying next to me.

There’s nothing stable in this life, everything is in vain. Everything is vain.

 After cackling to myself, with book in hand, lying in my bed…

I found the strong urge to touch myself.

After one attempt of falling asleep, I thought another try would be the charm.

Dim lights, night falls.

I found myself crying.

Everything has lost its meaning, I thought about his face and the warm touches of his hands, holding hands at the supermarket, walking down the streets.

I miss him.

How could I have not realized that. This was a lost, that I didn’t recognize.

We met in September, so it’s only been a month…actually I think we met in October, the beginning of October.

I find it disturbing that I force myself to quickly move on.

I can’t reconcile all the things that have happened in such a short time

It’s hard to process.

 Again, I suppress my emotions…without knowing that which is in my heart.

 The humor, the romance of a book suddenly rekindles similar feelings that resurfaces what I really feel below. It’s truly only been 3 weeks since I met him, the love I felt still remains, though I had buried it deep within…covered by my goals and dreams, and attempts of meeting them.

Alors, c’est la vie! 

Lara Logan breaks her silence May 1, 2011 2:11 PM In her first television interview since being sexually assaulted two months ago, the CBS News chief foreign correspondent and "60 Minutes" reporter reveals what happened to her in with Scott Pelley. Read more: http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7364550n&tag=related%3Bphotovideo#ixzz1bpVJBxtw