I don’t know why I feel constantly lonely.
It’s like this nagging feeling that I try to ignore.
I’m trying really hard to ignore this child, hitting my shins every week 5 minutes.
I have all the friends that I want, yet something is missing, missing.
I have a boyfriend, we see each other at least once/twice a week.
Something is missing.
A sense of belonging?
What am I missing?
I lay like a plank, face to bedding.
I lay there wondering, asking myself “What do I want?”
“I don’t know what I want”.
It’s okay not to know.
Do I feel unloved?
Yes, but every minute, I think about it.
It’s not that I feel unloved, it’s knowing that someone can shower me with attention, but they are not.
Is it their choice not to? Or is that just how they are?
I wonder perhaps I am too needy.
How do I not feel needy? Is pre-occupying myself enough? Will this nagging feeling not go away even if I am alone, unattached? Perhaps that was easier for me, to be single and to know that no one has an obligation to love me.
“So you feel more insecure when you are NOT single”- He asked, stated.
“Yes, no, yes…well”- I said.
“So when you are with someone, you care about pleasing them”- He said.
“Yes, that makes sense…when I’m alone I don’t have to please anyone”- I said.
“Well you know that I am easily pleased, I think we’ve gotten passed that point that you don’t have to do anything to please me. I already like you”- He said.
“Oh I guess, it’s just I feel insecure, vulnerable”