Women, Speak, Shout, Scream

I don’t know why I feel constantly lonely.

It’s like this nagging feeling that I try to ignore.

I’m trying really hard to ignore this child, hitting my shins every week 5 minutes.

I have all the friends that I want, yet something is missing, missing.

I have a boyfriend, we see each other at least once/twice a week.

Something is missing.

A sense of belonging?

What am I missing?

I lay like a plank, face to bedding.

I lay there wondering, asking myself “What do I want?”

“I don’t know what I want”.

It’s okay not to know.

Do I feel unloved?

Yes, but every minute, I think about it.

It’s not that I feel unloved, it’s knowing that someone can shower me with attention, but they are not.

Is it their choice not to? Or is that just how they are?

I wonder perhaps I am too needy.

How do I not feel needy? Is pre-occupying myself enough? Will this nagging feeling not go away even if I am alone, unattached? Perhaps that was easier for me, to be single and to know that no one has an obligation to love me.

“So you feel more insecure when you are NOT single”- He asked, stated.

“Yes, no, yes…well”- I said.

“So when you are with someone, you care about pleasing them”- He said.

“Yes, that makes sense…when I’m alone I don’t have to please anyone”- I said.

“Well you know that I am easily pleased, I think we’ve gotten passed that point that you don’t have to do anything to please me. I already like you”- He said.

“Oh I guess, it’s just I feel insecure, vulnerable”

• • They say it takes one bad apple to ruin the entire batch.
    And even with my “decent” run of men in my life. Well the recent events of one really makes me not want to be in a relationship, till maybe I turn 50.
    Well. Its done. The chapter, was short sweet and horribly bitter.
    
    He’s sleeping with someone else. 
    
    Damn. That felt so weird to type out. I don’t know why I had so much hope. He led me on. Caressed me, cuddled, kissed, and slept with me, shared his dreams with me. And I let him. He is the first one I really liked since my ex. This hurts so much. I know we weren’t officially together. But we sure as hell acted like we were. I mean I just don’t open up physically and emotionally to anyone. Hell to the fucking no. and what did he do??…just slept with some other bitch. 
    
    As I try to articulate what happened, and how I feel, there are so many emotions of anger. Hurt. Anxiety. Betrayal. Bitternesss… just shooting intensely through my veins. I can literally feel my heart go into an unnatural, frantic, pathetic rhythm. And I wish I could stop it. I wish I could.
    
    I tried so hard not to get hurt, and its funny how it is inevitable. I let someone in a little, and it perplexes me the damage that is created.
    How can someone move on to someone else so quickly. Well I know not everyone puts up such a wall like me. Some people are easy. And its funny how tough my skin is, yet at the moment I feel weak and shattered on the inside. 
    I never thought this would happen to me. I mean…im a “good” girl. I have a level head, I put up my guard, for the most part I make rational decisions…yah I might make stupid choices and mistakes. But we are all human. And shit happens.
    
    Yet through the good, the bad, the ugly, I find beauty in other forms. Though I have lost a friend, I see the great magnitude of love, and care from my friends. And damn. I have awesome friends.
    I tell myself to be strong, that there will be better. But this initial fresh wound…ughh….i cant even express…cus I cant even get my thoughts straight. How could he do this. All he kept saying was sorry, you are one of my closes friends, I appreciate you, you’ve done so much for me. …
    You know how much more upset that makes me! That he felt that way and still had sex with someone else while leading me on!!! Pathetic! Disgusting!
    
    Its so silly how emotions and love can effect you on levels that you weren’t even aware of experiencing.
    Ive learned so much on so many different levels. Yes. It is going to be hard for me to trust again. But I dare say I have hope. Only because I know my God.
    Otherwise I could easily have meaningless sex, and play them mother fuckers to get rid of this pain. But, I will wait, and make a life for myself. One where i can support my self not only financially, but emotionally. So if this happens again, I can still stand on my own two feet.
    
    I know I am a strong empowered woman. And no mother fucker will wash or taint that in me.
    
    There is a quote by Randy Pausch: “Experience is what you get, when you didn’t get what you wanted”. 
    
    To women everywhere: 
    Maybe a happy ending doesn’t necessarily mean finding that special someone, but its standing up on your feet, and moving on. Don’t let your past dictate your future.
    Everyday is a new beginning.